it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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