12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
