Screwed.edu
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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