The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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