I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
