Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
