I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
i think my cat just said my name.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
