I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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