My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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