My cat gives me a boner
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
