Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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