The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize