Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
