so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Found the puke drawer
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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