hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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