Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
