It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize