i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
