My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
