She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
