I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
