You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
