i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
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