ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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