fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
