Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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