Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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