Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
