i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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