if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
