Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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