All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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