My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
