I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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