I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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