"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
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