i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
if only i could text you this smell
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
