i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
