my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
