Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
