went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
