dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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