I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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