Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize