I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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