Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
