Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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