I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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