Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize