a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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