I will die if light touches me.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
