My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
