I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
