nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
