My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
