my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
