ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just blew my weed a kiss
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Dear god my vagina.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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