Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
