I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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