i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize