It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize