I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
