if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize