i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm at about main and main street
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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