he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
