What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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