hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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