At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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