This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
