Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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