I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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