Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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