I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
